urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fruityfun fruityfun fruityfun 2006-09-06T03:41:47Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fruityfun:2218 2006-09-06T03:41:47Z 2006-09-06T03:41:47Z The Fray Well life hasn't gotten any better over the last month. My mind is always spinning in all different directions of thoughts. I can't seem to make up my mind about what I want anymore. I used to know what I wanted and even who I wanted. I've been going on and off with Clint and I don't like it. Deep down inside of me I'm scream for Clint to be by my side for the rest of my life, then my head says to experience new things. From the very beginning I always said that I would be with Clint for the rest of my life and everytime I looked into the future it was happy. Making a family with him, being his wife, traveling to new places with him, and making a successful life together was and still is exciting. Although now I don't get to look forward to that anymore because I screwed things up between us forever, and this time I mean it. This last saturday I killed his heart forever and I can never change that. I never want to eat anymore and even the thought of waking up scares me. Everyday I am slowly slipping into a black hole of depression again and this time I don't think that I'll get out of it. I always think of ways to put myself in the hospital. If I wasn't afraid of blood I would probably hurt myself physically. Sometimes i wonder what my purpose is in life. Who am I really suppose to be with for the rest of my life or am I going to be with someone for the rest of my life. I don't want to be by myself. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fruityfun:1828 2006-06-21T06:22:25Z 2006-06-21T06:22:25Z Its easy to put on a smile and make everyone believe that im happy on the outside. But inside i feel like im crashing to pieces. I don't know what it is. I look around me and see no one. I don't really have anyone to cry to anymore. I used to have friends, but that changed with a blink of my eye and it scares me. I think to myself and wonder if i will ever find a friend that i can always call on. That one friend that knows im the friend shes been looking for. Im moving back to st. george and im getting scared with every new day that comes. I only have one year left of school and it is overwhelming to think about what i will do after school.I really wish my sister and i could become the friends we once were. She's never home and when she is she calls someone to come pick her up. Sometimes we do things together, but that ends quickly, because her friends come over. Theres people that i would really like to see that i can't and it kills me when i do want to see them. It's like im suck in a box and i can't get myself out. And theres no one around to help me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fruityfun:1369 2005-02-24T01:13:41Z 2005-02-24T01:13:41Z It has been a while since i have updated my journal, but here i am now updating it, lol. I don't even know where to start! Lets see, this last weekend was really fun. This last friday kristi and me went to a party. We were the only two girls there for a while, until they went and picked up these two 8th graders, which was pretty stupid i think. We stayed there until like 2:30 in the morning. We had planned on staying the night at their house, but their dumb mom said "no." Justin (the guy that was urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fruityfun:1241 2004-11-10T00:33:15Z 2004-11-10T00:33:15Z Well life isn't getting any better cause at lunch I found out that Jerry and Kyle got back together. What really pisses me off about that is when Jerry and I were together, I asked him if he still wanted to go out with Kyle and if he still had feelings for her. He said that he feels like Kyle is a sister to him and he wanted to be with me. Well he is a fucking lyer. He got together with her. Why did I even get together with him. I am so stupid! I'm never going to let a guy do that to me ever again. I wish my mom was here right now, cause I need to talk to her. I don't know if I could talk to Russ about it. Tonight I might be going to the movies with some of my friends. I need something to take my mind off of the things going on in my life. I was thinking of drinking, but everyone tells me that I shouldn't, the only person that understands is Russ. But what am I suppose to do when Russ is Jerry's dad. How am I suppose to talk to him about this. I'm never going to say to a guy that I love him ever again. Right now I'm suppose to be doing Biology, but my life problems are more important right now. I knew they were going to get back together, it was just a matter of time. That's probably why we broke up this week. He wanted to get together with Kyle. I don't think I could be friends with Kyle ever. It would be too hard. I'm never going to sit at the table again. I'm so doing what Kristi does with guys. At least that way I won't have to have my heart broken again. Why won't this class go any faster. Why can't life get any better for me. What the hell did I do. You know what's funny is that everyone thought that Jerry and I were going to be together for along time. Yeah Right!! It's hard cause I do love Russ and Kaden, but how would I be able to be around them. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fruityfun:1022 2004-11-10T00:19:50Z 2004-11-10T00:19:50Z Seether - Broken I decided to stay home today. I didn't want to go to school today. I don't know how to express my feelings and emotions right now. I feel like just getting really drunk or getting drugged up so I don't have to think about anything going on in my life right now. Lately I've been wanting to either type or write down everything happening in my life at the moment. Last night Russ came and picked Kristi and me up to go get ice cream and talk about things, mostly we talked about Jerry and me. Russ says that I need to experience! He also feels that Kristi, Kelsey, and me are like daughters to him. Well I feel that he is the closet thing to a father to me right now. I really want to know how Jerry feels about me. I think that it is weird how I had always wanted to be with Jerry since 7th grade and now that I have, it's all gone, over with. It's like I never was with him. Tomorrow I have to go to simulators in the morning, but I don't want Mikey to take me in his dumb car. I think I'm just going to think about Jerry, I don't even know if I can look at him ever again. I just want him to leave my mind forever, so it doesn't have to be so hard for me. He always seems to find me in my dreams. Everytime we have broke up, he is in my dreams, everynight. I hope this doesn't happen to me again. I have no idea what I'm going to do this weekend. I'm suppose to go shopping with Kristi and Katherine tomorrow after school. I was thinking of asking Chance if he wanted to go to the movies this weekend. I hope Kelsey goes over to Brandi's house this weekend. I wish I could find someone that has alcohol(have no idea how you spell that). I want to get wasted this weekend. I miss Kelsey so much. I wish she was here right now. Sometimes I wish I'd never gotten together with Jerry, cause then I wouldn't have to go through all this emotional stuff. WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO, SOMEONE TELL ME!! The last few months have been so hard to handle. So much drama has gone on. I feel the need to cry on someone's shoulder. Everyone tells me that the best thing that could come out of me and Jerry's relationship is to be friends. But I don't know if I could be friends right now. It would be to hard, especially since I still have strong feelings for him. I wonder what's going to happen in the next few months. It's going to be weird that's all I know. I feel like just running away to some empty place where it's only me. If only I had a car right now and could drive, then I would leave everything behind and not come back for awhile.